The Cupcake story

     I did not start off as Poly. I found out at 17 that I was pregnant with Goat-girl. I had her at 18 and moved back to my hometown where I met my husband. We got married and I had a little boy. Three years later I was very unhappy in my marriage and decided to end it. My daughter stayed with me, my son with him.

     
     I started in on rebuilding my life. I dated but nothing really came from it. Then I met someone off a site I was on and we hit it off. He told me he also had a girl friend, she is married,poly, and she was OK with him dating other people. At first I was very shocked that people live like this, coming from a very small town you didn't hear of things like this and if you did it was frowned upon. I told him I would have to think about this and if I wanted to move any farther with our relationship. I thought over all this new information for about a week when I had a small light go off. This could work, I mean why not, everyone knows everyone they are open with who they see and how they feel about each other. We started dating and were together for a little while when things started to change. I was introduced to everyone in the house (the girlfriend, her husband, and his girlfriend). I quickly found where I stood in the house and did not like it at all. I was treated like a secondary person, kinda like a cat that isn't wanted but you pet it every once in a while, I felt ignored and just unwanted. But against better judgment I didn't say anything, I kept it to myself, that maybe I was just over thinking thing that it was just me. During this time I was in a chat room that I appropriately named "The meat market" and started talking to a very nice guy. Jack and I were very close right from the start, we talked every day, he became my best friend. I talked with Jack about the issues I was having. And like an amazing friend he listened and was there for me.

     
     As we talked we got closer. A day didn't go by that I didn't talk to him or at least send a email to him. Soon I knew I wanted to be more than just friends with him, and come to find out so did he. So we made plans for me to visit in February.

     
     Fast forward about four months (January) and my life crashes, I lost my jobs, I didn't know where I was going to live, and was stressed out the max. I called my boyfriend and told him what was going on and that I really needed him, I understood that he was with “her” but I needed him and if I could stay with him for two weeks till I got my last check and I would work something out. Well, in the end he choose her and told me no me and my daughter can not stay with him and hung up the phone. In a panic I called Jack asking “What do I do?”. He's answer was simple. “Move here.” he says. I'm thinking he is crazy, there is no way I can moved out of state, into a mans house, whom I had never met. No way. I told him I needed to think about it, so he gave me time. I talked with my best friend in the world who is like an other mother to me, and she basically told me I was crazy not to do it, if he loved me that much to drop everything and move then I was very lucky to have someone that cares that much.

     
     A little while later that evening I received a message from Lily, about me moving. She and I had talked before but normally as a “Hi I'm in the background and hear you” type thing, so I was a tad shocked to have a message directly from her. The thing that touched me the most in the message was this. “You and Goat-girl would be like family, not just roomies. Know that we would not be making this offer if we didn't think it would work.” I sat and stared at the message for a long time. I was very scared that I would be treated the same, the pitiful cat in the corner (even though Lily was much more welcoming than “She” had ever been). What if I get there and these people are crazy? And I don't mean the funny “Haha” crazy, because lets face it not all of use are completely sane, but like scary holy crap crazy and I was now stuck out of state with crazy psycho people. By the time I got the these thoughts I was so emotionally drained I couldn't take it any more, I passed out. When I woke up the next morning I had my answer.

     
     So I called Jack and said OK lets move me. Well for the next three day I swore up and down that Jack would bail on me that no way was he going to show up. Well sure enough here he came. I couldn't believe it he was here, flesh and blood, right in front of me. I had never been as happy to see an other person as I was in that moment.

     
     After a very long car ride and one very over tired child later we pull up to the house. I didn't know what to think or say. I still had this feeling of this is too good to be true, and looked up over me to see if I could find that shoe that likes to slam into my life and leave a huge foot print.

    
     I was kind of in a daze for the first few days, shock had set in and I couldn't believe what I had done. I had moved my daughter and myself to a different state, into the house of someone I had never met, and everything is Okay. The world wasn't on fire, no huge disasters, they didn't turn into crazy scary people. Everything was going great, then my mother happened. One week to the day that I had moved my mother lost her mind and wanted me to come home. So after a huge fight and craziness I made it clear I wasn't leaving. I knew that this could be my home, this was my family. Yes I “barely” knew them but whatever, they had already done so much for me and I didn't want to leave.

Compared to the people I lived with and the things I had been though I was still very worried that this would not be this good forever. I swore up and down the shoe would drop anytime and that I didn't deserve to be treated this well. I had become too comfortable with being treated as a second or a lesser person. I quickly found that this was not the case with Jack or Lily. I found out that I had a voice and they cared very much to hear what I had to say. I had no clue how to understand this, in the past when I would speak no one would hear me and I had just come to expect this.

     I also had a very hard time trusting anyone or letting anyone get close to me. This held true even after I had been with Jack for 6 months or more, I held many things close to my heart and wouldn't let him see that part of me. I was very scared of letting him in and being completely open, I didn't want to get hurt again. Jack was very sweet, slow and didn't try to pry me open by force. Slowly as time went by I opened little by little.

It seems like all I did was blink and it had been a year, I had grown so much, my family had grown, and I couldn't see me ever being somewhere else. I had found a man I could be completely open with, a “Sister” I could talk to, most of all I had found friends. True friends, a family, people who want me to be the best person I can be.

     This October was a very big day for Jack and I. I have always had I fear that I would be replaced one day, that he would find someone else who was a better fit than me (now I am starting to see this is an insane way to view things). I'm not sure who came up with the idea it was something we had bounce back and forth but I didn't see anything coming of it. We decided that we wanted to have a handfasting ceremony (a historical term for "betrothal" or "wedding"). I was a little shocked when he asked me if I wanted to do this (enough to stop mid bite of a cupcake which I never do). I just kind of stared at him, mouth hanging open like a stunned fish thinking holy crap this man wants me around forever, yep I was right - he IS crazy.

     After regaining control over my motor functions I was able to close my mouth but couldn't answer in any words other than “uh”. We talked for a long time that day and I said yes I would love that. So the months of planning started, and I seems like no more did I say yes the day was here and I was unbelievably nervous. It was beautiful and perfect and touched me so deeply. To have my family there and friends of ours to spend this moment with us, well its a moment I will never forget.

     Here I am I cant wait to see what lays ahead for me I hope everyone keeps reading and follows us on our adventurers.

Polyamory - Jack Style

Jack’s Story….

It started for me long ago.  I had dated many girls in school and one special one changed my life.  I asked a friend about helping me find a girlfriend and he hooked me up with Lily.  We were great together and I was in love for the first time ever.  But as life goes I was a teenage boy and I let other things come into my head and dumped her.  That was stupid and I never should have done that.  I regretted it the moment I did it.  So I sat back and watched her and waited for my moment to come back.  It happened in our senior year.  I asked her to marry me that summer and we have been together ever since married for over 10 years.  We are a great couple and we were never “Normal”.  We had always discussed the fact we had been each other’s “First” that there must be more to life and we always liked the idea of communal living and having help and others to love.  I had even flirted with other girls we worked with at a big name Italian restaurant.  I even lined up a possible three way date.  That never happened.  So when it came time for me to start my new career knowing it was going to take me away from Lily for a few months at a time I told her to look for someone else to fill some of her needs.  She did and it made me happy.  After I started my job both of us never really had much luck finding someone else.  Hell at the time we did not even realize what to call the way we thought and lived.  

I spent years online and looking around for someone to fit for me with no luck.  Until one night when Lilly and the kids were gone I was online in a chat room I call the meat market when I met Cupcake  She was from out of state so we planned a meeting for a few months down the road to get to know each other.  She was in a bad situation and I felt I could help her and in turn she could help my family.  Fast forward a few months the shit hit the fan in her life and I was there to pick her up.  I had discussed with Lilly having her come live with us to help with the house and kids and she thought it was a great idea.  So I offered Cupcake the opportunity.  Her friend told her that she was stupid if she did not take it “You have a man with balls offering to help you” her friend said.  So Cupcake said yes and that weekend I went to get her and Goat Girl.  They both moved in to my house and minus some family back home drama we have been happy ever since.  We were so happy in fact that I asked her to become mine forever with a Hand Fasting just past our two years of knowing each other anniversary.  

I had stopped looking for more after Cupcake came into my life and it was not until Lilly and Cupcake started looking for others that I did the same.  I spent time in chat rooms and on dating sites with not much luck.  Every time I look I keep finding people who want to “Cheat” not live in an open truthful way or many people just ignore me.  I was on a dating site when I came across Priestess and her profile.  I sent a message to her and it took her like two months to get back to me but she eventually did.  We met up and talked for like three hours and spent the following week texting like crazy.  It did not take us long to realize we were good together.  I am no longer actively seeking others I have some people I talk to locally and online.  Along with poly I am active in the BDSM world and have some submissives in my life online and the possibility of meeting them.  Poly is my life and I love every moment.  I wish others would realize how wonderful it is.  When I am gone I have so many people caring about me that when I am down all I need to do is think of them.  I think that should be my next post.  Poly when you are not with your partners.

Poly Misconceptions

There seem to be several themes that come up when I start getting questions about poly relationships. Here are my responses to just a few of them.

Misconception 1:
Poly people have commitment issues.

First off, bwahahahahaha!!!!! I'm sorry, but commitment issues are the last thing poly people have. We actually have OVER-commitment issues if we have any issues at all. Poly is about having MORE THAN ONE COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. We are master committers! My relationships are equally important to me. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. I am fully and equally committed to both of my partners. This is not to say that all poly people do this, some do form a hierarchy as to the level of commitment to different partners, but the true definition of poly always contains that commitment.

Misconception 2:

People who are polyamorous are just in it for the sex.

Um... Hi. I am so not promiscuous. I am not a slut, whore, or a hoebag. I have a ton of respect for myself and my partners. I would NEVER do anything to put them in harms way, so why in the world would I want to sleep with anyone who asked? I can have sex whenever I want, it's so, so, so not about that at all. It's about connecting with someone else, sharing thoughts and feelings. Being allowed to be in love with more than one person at a time. I shouldn't have to fall out of love or give up someone just because I fell in love with another person. It's not, Oh, I realize that I love Joker, so I must not love Jack anymore. That's just asinine. I love them both. So, anyhow... Polyamory. It's about love, y'all! Not sex.

Misconception 3:

You must be so JEALOUS when he/she spends time with someone else.

Yeah... Nope. I'm happy when my partners are happy! Jealousy is an emotion that springs from an insecurity in oneself. I'm confident in myself and in my relationships with my partners. What do I have to be worried about? If our relationship ends, I know that it is because of something that came between us, not because they found someone else. The keys are honesty and open communication. That's it. Nothing magical. I know when there is trouble or issues that they will be talked over and dealt with. So, is there jealousy? Sometimes. But for the most part, I experience the opposite; compersion.

~Lady Lily

What is, and isn't, Polyamory

Let me preface this by saying this is just my humble opinion and may, or may not, be the widely accepted or socially correct definition of polyamory.

What is polyamory?

It is consensual non-monogamy. It's the allowance of any person to have more than one committed, loving relationship. It may, or may not, incorporate sexual behaviors. It can occur in a myriad of arrangements, but the one theme that always follows successful poly relationships is the fact that it is built on honesty and communication.

What isn't polyamory?

Swinging. There's no commitment, no love, involved here. This is not poly. This is permissive promiscuity.

Polygamy/Polyandry/Polygyny. These are just not fair. Why should only one gender be allowed to have multiple relationships? These are selfish and archaic at the least.

Cheating. It's not poly if all parties are not fully aware of the situation. Cheating is wrong, plain and simple. Cheating hurts people.

Serial Dating. Dating someone until something “better” comes along, keeping both around but not giving much thought or attention to the older relationship until something else comes up and then finally deciding to keep only the newer ones. Not poly. This is deplorable. Joker will have more on this subject later.

~Lady Lily

Polyamory - Joker Style

When you read my experiences with polyamory up to this point, you’ll probably wonder why I haven’t run away screaming to a seminary (recovering Catholic, never going to happen, but I digress).  Either way, it supports the idea of poly as an orientation rather than a lifestyle of convenience.  I love listening to people talk out of their rear about how poly people are only in it for the sex, have commitment issues, or have multiple relationships because the “primary” one has failed but they just can’t bother to end it. 

Early in my life, the idea of polyamory never crossed my mind.  It was difficult enough keeping one person happy, let alone working on multiple relationships.  While I grew out of my religious phase fairly soon out of high school, the fact remains that monogamy was the only relationship dynamic I was ever exposed to.  My early adult life came with a lot of growth and exposure to new ideas and ways of thinking.

Before moving in with Lily, I was married for 8 years.  It was a pretty normal marriage from the outside.  We didn't have much when we started out, but I grew in my career.  Within a fairly short period of time, we purchased a house, had 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cars – the American Dream!  Looking back, it's pretty easy to see that my ex was always out to please herself.  Everything had to be about her.  After our fifth anniversary, she brought up the idea of poly.  In a never-ending quest to keep her happy, I said yes without putting much thought to it.  There were times when I felt like the request should have shocked me more.  Down the road, I've come to believe that's because poly was always in my nature, I just didn't know it yet. 

In hindsight, my marriage was a very toxic one.  Over time, the essence of me-ness (yes, that’s a word) was being suppressed, not enhanced.  I am very much an introvert, and classically I hung onto this relationship far longer than I should have.  I didn't really have it in me to go out and meet new people.  Poly for me started out as just watching my wife go from relationship to relationship while I was too nervous and lacked the confidence to go test the waters for myself.  Eventually, she met a man who was finishing his PhD and “fell in love.”  It didn't take too long for her to be done with me after that.

Just as that marriage was coming to a close, I met Lily online.  I was doubting myself and certainly doubting polyamory with the terrible experiences I had (stay tuned for the Polyamory vs. Serial Dating topic that I can't wait to dive into).  I took a shot and messaged her.  The rest, as they say, is history. At this point, the poor lady is going to have a hard time getting rid of me.

All things in life are a journey.  No matter what form relationships take in life, it's all about finding the right people to take the journey with.  Everything happens for a reason.  While meeting the wrong people sometimes takes us away from where we want to be, sometimes they bring us directly to the people we need to journey with – whether that be one or many.

-Joker

Polyamory - Lily Style

For me, the idea of polyamory started with silly talks in the evening about how nice it might be to have some help around the house. You know, help with house work, help with children, someone else to play board games with (because they always seem to call for 3 or more players, right?). So when my husband needed to travel for work and was away for months at a time, it just made sense that he told me to spend some time with an ex of mine. It ended up only being a fling, but it was the start of a whole new way to think about life.

After that experience, life took us to a new place where we had to basically start over again. New house, new jobs, making new friends, first baby, etc... all those things, and more, made the concept that we had been discussing take a back seat for a few years, but it was something that we continued to discuss. We had no name for what it was that we were talking about, but we knew that it was something that would work for us. We happened upon the show “Sister Wives” and thought, that's sort of what we were thinking of, but shouldn't the women be allowed to date as well? When we finally found the term “polyamory” we knew that was the lifestyle that we were wanting.

The next hurdle was how in the heck to go about finding someone else who thought the same way we did. It took a few more years, in which there were a few more babies, before Jack found someone online who was willing to entertain the idea of dating a married man with the permission of his wife. For some reason, there are a lot of people out there who are willing cheat, but hot damn, I'm not going near you if your wife knows what you're doing. So, Jack and Cupcake had been talking online for a few months and Cupcake was planning a visit to meet the family and everything but before that could happen, some things went sideways with her living situation and with the way Jack and I are, it just made sense to us to offer for her and her daughter to come live us. They've lived with us for almost 2 years now.

I didn't start dating until almost a year after Cupcake and her daughter moved in. I had a breastfed infant at home and I had no interest in being around anyone else before that. Once I made the decision to start dating, I joined OkCupid, I talked with a bunch of guys, went on a few dates, hit it off with another guy who was in a poly relationship and we dated for a month or so. Things fell apart there and I continued in my search. I received a message from Joker in early 2014 and we went out on a date. He was having some problems in his living situation that I thought I could help with. I talked to Jack and Cupcake about his issues and they, too, thought that we could help. So I told Joker that if he needed a place to go, we would gladly make room. Our relationship developed gradually over the next month after he moved in.

I'm seeing a few others outside of the house, but nothing really serious. I'm not really looking for anything else at the moment, but I can not imagine my life without both Jack and Joker in it. Heck, for that matter, I cannot imagine my life without Cupcake and GoGi, or Priestess, or Tank and Eevee. They have been in my life for such a short time, but they have all made a huge impression on my life.

So that's the cliff's notes version of my poly life ^_^ 

Lady Lily

This Thing We Do

Polyamory. To many, the word is associated with Mormons, polygamy, and an affront to the monogamous way of life. To me and my family? It's our chosen lifestyle. We're as “normal” a family as any other. We raise our children to be good people. We work. We play. We argue. We're not perfect by any means, but we try our best to make sure that everyone is content and taken care of. This means tons of communication and ultimate honesty, even if it's an unpleasant topic.

So, what do you get when you have 4 adults and 5 children living under one roof? That's right. A typical day in the life of my poly family.

I'm Lily. I've been married to Jack for over 10 years. Cupcake is Jack's live in girlfriend of almost 2 years. I'm also dating Joker, who is the fourth adult living in our house. Outside of the live in unit, Jack sees Priestess once a week and is talking with a few other people on the side. Cupcake is still looking for something else. I date here and there, but nothing very serious. Jack and I have 3 children, Princess Lazykins, Hulk, and BooBoo. Cupcake has 2 kids with previous partners, although only Goat Girl lives with us. Joker also has 2 kids with a previous partner, Tank, who lives with us, and Eevee, who visits every other weekend. That's the core of our family unit. Lost? Here it is in picture form!

Since there are probably as many ways to do poly as there are poly units, we all thought it would be fun and interesting to blog about this thing we do and all the stuff and things that go along with it. So that's what this is going to be. Us writing about our lives, various poly issues, or whatever happens to be on our minds. Most likely, the majority of the writing will be done by myself and Joker, but the others are encouraged to contribute whatever and whenever they like.

Feel free to comment or ask questions, but please, be respectful. Thanks!!

Lady Lily