Polyamory - Joker Style

When you read my experiences with polyamory up to this point, you’ll probably wonder why I haven’t run away screaming to a seminary (recovering Catholic, never going to happen, but I digress).  Either way, it supports the idea of poly as an orientation rather than a lifestyle of convenience.  I love listening to people talk out of their rear about how poly people are only in it for the sex, have commitment issues, or have multiple relationships because the “primary” one has failed but they just can’t bother to end it. 

Early in my life, the idea of polyamory never crossed my mind.  It was difficult enough keeping one person happy, let alone working on multiple relationships.  While I grew out of my religious phase fairly soon out of high school, the fact remains that monogamy was the only relationship dynamic I was ever exposed to.  My early adult life came with a lot of growth and exposure to new ideas and ways of thinking.

Before moving in with Lily, I was married for 8 years.  It was a pretty normal marriage from the outside.  We didn't have much when we started out, but I grew in my career.  Within a fairly short period of time, we purchased a house, had 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cars – the American Dream!  Looking back, it's pretty easy to see that my ex was always out to please herself.  Everything had to be about her.  After our fifth anniversary, she brought up the idea of poly.  In a never-ending quest to keep her happy, I said yes without putting much thought to it.  There were times when I felt like the request should have shocked me more.  Down the road, I've come to believe that's because poly was always in my nature, I just didn't know it yet. 

In hindsight, my marriage was a very toxic one.  Over time, the essence of me-ness (yes, that’s a word) was being suppressed, not enhanced.  I am very much an introvert, and classically I hung onto this relationship far longer than I should have.  I didn't really have it in me to go out and meet new people.  Poly for me started out as just watching my wife go from relationship to relationship while I was too nervous and lacked the confidence to go test the waters for myself.  Eventually, she met a man who was finishing his PhD and “fell in love.”  It didn't take too long for her to be done with me after that.

Just as that marriage was coming to a close, I met Lily online.  I was doubting myself and certainly doubting polyamory with the terrible experiences I had (stay tuned for the Polyamory vs. Serial Dating topic that I can't wait to dive into).  I took a shot and messaged her.  The rest, as they say, is history. At this point, the poor lady is going to have a hard time getting rid of me.

All things in life are a journey.  No matter what form relationships take in life, it's all about finding the right people to take the journey with.  Everything happens for a reason.  While meeting the wrong people sometimes takes us away from where we want to be, sometimes they bring us directly to the people we need to journey with – whether that be one or many.

-Joker

Polyamory - Lily Style

For me, the idea of polyamory started with silly talks in the evening about how nice it might be to have some help around the house. You know, help with house work, help with children, someone else to play board games with (because they always seem to call for 3 or more players, right?). So when my husband needed to travel for work and was away for months at a time, it just made sense that he told me to spend some time with an ex of mine. It ended up only being a fling, but it was the start of a whole new way to think about life.

After that experience, life took us to a new place where we had to basically start over again. New house, new jobs, making new friends, first baby, etc... all those things, and more, made the concept that we had been discussing take a back seat for a few years, but it was something that we continued to discuss. We had no name for what it was that we were talking about, but we knew that it was something that would work for us. We happened upon the show “Sister Wives” and thought, that's sort of what we were thinking of, but shouldn't the women be allowed to date as well? When we finally found the term “polyamory” we knew that was the lifestyle that we were wanting.

The next hurdle was how in the heck to go about finding someone else who thought the same way we did. It took a few more years, in which there were a few more babies, before Jack found someone online who was willing to entertain the idea of dating a married man with the permission of his wife. For some reason, there are a lot of people out there who are willing cheat, but hot damn, I'm not going near you if your wife knows what you're doing. So, Jack and Cupcake had been talking online for a few months and Cupcake was planning a visit to meet the family and everything but before that could happen, some things went sideways with her living situation and with the way Jack and I are, it just made sense to us to offer for her and her daughter to come live us. They've lived with us for almost 2 years now.

I didn't start dating until almost a year after Cupcake and her daughter moved in. I had a breastfed infant at home and I had no interest in being around anyone else before that. Once I made the decision to start dating, I joined OkCupid, I talked with a bunch of guys, went on a few dates, hit it off with another guy who was in a poly relationship and we dated for a month or so. Things fell apart there and I continued in my search. I received a message from Joker in early 2014 and we went out on a date. He was having some problems in his living situation that I thought I could help with. I talked to Jack and Cupcake about his issues and they, too, thought that we could help. So I told Joker that if he needed a place to go, we would gladly make room. Our relationship developed gradually over the next month after he moved in.

I'm seeing a few others outside of the house, but nothing really serious. I'm not really looking for anything else at the moment, but I can not imagine my life without both Jack and Joker in it. Heck, for that matter, I cannot imagine my life without Cupcake and GoGi, or Priestess, or Tank and Eevee. They have been in my life for such a short time, but they have all made a huge impression on my life.

So that's the cliff's notes version of my poly life ^_^ 

Lady Lily