Polyamory - Joker Style

When you read my experiences with polyamory up to this point, you’ll probably wonder why I haven’t run away screaming to a seminary (recovering Catholic, never going to happen, but I digress).  Either way, it supports the idea of poly as an orientation rather than a lifestyle of convenience.  I love listening to people talk out of their rear about how poly people are only in it for the sex, have commitment issues, or have multiple relationships because the “primary” one has failed but they just can’t bother to end it. 

Early in my life, the idea of polyamory never crossed my mind.  It was difficult enough keeping one person happy, let alone working on multiple relationships.  While I grew out of my religious phase fairly soon out of high school, the fact remains that monogamy was the only relationship dynamic I was ever exposed to.  My early adult life came with a lot of growth and exposure to new ideas and ways of thinking.

Before moving in with Lily, I was married for 8 years.  It was a pretty normal marriage from the outside.  We didn't have much when we started out, but I grew in my career.  Within a fairly short period of time, we purchased a house, had 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cars – the American Dream!  Looking back, it's pretty easy to see that my ex was always out to please herself.  Everything had to be about her.  After our fifth anniversary, she brought up the idea of poly.  In a never-ending quest to keep her happy, I said yes without putting much thought to it.  There were times when I felt like the request should have shocked me more.  Down the road, I've come to believe that's because poly was always in my nature, I just didn't know it yet. 

In hindsight, my marriage was a very toxic one.  Over time, the essence of me-ness (yes, that’s a word) was being suppressed, not enhanced.  I am very much an introvert, and classically I hung onto this relationship far longer than I should have.  I didn't really have it in me to go out and meet new people.  Poly for me started out as just watching my wife go from relationship to relationship while I was too nervous and lacked the confidence to go test the waters for myself.  Eventually, she met a man who was finishing his PhD and “fell in love.”  It didn't take too long for her to be done with me after that.

Just as that marriage was coming to a close, I met Lily online.  I was doubting myself and certainly doubting polyamory with the terrible experiences I had (stay tuned for the Polyamory vs. Serial Dating topic that I can't wait to dive into).  I took a shot and messaged her.  The rest, as they say, is history. At this point, the poor lady is going to have a hard time getting rid of me.

All things in life are a journey.  No matter what form relationships take in life, it's all about finding the right people to take the journey with.  Everything happens for a reason.  While meeting the wrong people sometimes takes us away from where we want to be, sometimes they bring us directly to the people we need to journey with – whether that be one or many.

-Joker